Mothering

This morning I met up with Nina and her beautiful daughter Hettie. I tell you this because I always tell Nina this. 'Oh, Hettie is so beautiful' I say. They are all beautiful at this age Laurie is so cute', she says. 'Yeah, but Hettie is just ridiculous'.

I hear myself saying this and I hate myself because I know what I am doing. I am actually doing what my mother did. Being self depreciating in order to make others feel more comfortable. I hate myself for this because it doesn't work. Not only does it not work it, it has the opposite effect, I can feel that it is making Nina more uncomfortable. Not only is she forced to defend my daughter, she is wondering exactly what she should be wondering. What effect will this kind of talking have on Laurie, her mum constantly saying she is less beautiful or less advanced than other children. Fuck. If your mum doesn't have yout back, who the hell will?!

I do it again when talking about speaking and comprehension skills. I tell Nina that Hettie and another friends daughter seem very advanced to me and I thought Laurie was behind in comparison but now I have realised they are geniuses and Laurie is normal.

I mean. WTF. Shut up!

But this imposter syndrome, this debilitatingly unhelpful self depreciation is a practice I have used in both mothering and doctoring.

I have, on countless occasions been to workshops in which I had to list strengths and weaknesses in my doctoring and struggled to think of anything to say in the strengths common. I have an approach to life which is more about just doing something because I want to do it not because I think I will be any good at it. This is a perfect approach when you are juggling work, studying and mothering because you always feel as if you are just below competency at all times in all areas and that is the best you can hope for.

There you go, more self depreciation. Does that make you feel more comfortable listeners? I guess at least this time I didn't drag my baby into it.