Doctoring no Mothering

Laurie is out of sorts. She was moaning intermittently in the night so I knew when we sent her off to the childminder I would probably not be doctoring today.

This is the first time I have had to take a day off because she is unwell and it unsettles me not just because I can't work but because I begrudge it. My baby is sick I shouldn't by be so selfish but, you know, I am.

When I first had Laurie one of the pleasant suprises I noticed was how much more social I became. I slowed down, I felt able to converse with anyone. I felt a greater sense of community and my place in it. I valued conversations with old ladies on buses and people on a break at the cafe. I had the time.

I had hoped this was an indication that I had become a nicer person, but now I am working again, I fear this is not the case.

I notice in the bus on the way there when an old lady starts a conversation with me about her trip to the doctors, she talks all the way until my stop. But, this is my precious time! I'm thinking, I've only got this journey and my mind is my babies again. Please leave me alone!

A few weeks ago, a similar thing happened when I was working on my PhD in a cafe. An old lady sat next to my table and proceeded to start conversation. She would follow each point about her health with 'I'm sorry, I know you are working, I'll leave you be.' Only to continue explaining the problems with her back. Once again I thought, Please!! This is my precious time! I know I'm in a public place but I'm working!

I did stop, I recognised this lady was lonely and this was her only journey out and possibly only conversation. I was able to connect with my weekday mother self, desperate for some conversation to fill the time. However, I also begrudged it.

I had hoped mothering would make me less selfish, more socially minded but these interactions made me realise that the work mind, the work life runs counter to that. It triggers an inward looking focus. When it would be good for all of us to be a bit more outward looking, but without the begrudging bit.